When

Him,

I know you just left me not so long ago, but I regret having you take me here. I wish I would have stayed with you today.

I want you to know how sorry I am for cutting you off. I thought I could fix things at home. I blamed myself for the trouble in my relationship and that I wasn’t the women I needed to be for him. However, I did not want you to cloud my judgment in my decision, so I decided having no contact with you would be the best route to go.

Now, it appears I have not fixed anything. It does not matter who I am he isn’t the man I need him to be. He takes me for granted and can easily just walk all over me. Why? Because I fucking let him! Of course he is going to do this to me, I let him.

He didn’t even know I was gone last night. Just rolled in climbed into our bed and went to sleep. He doesn’t care about others, just himself. I feel so broken down and so used. I want to escape, I really do. I am screaming on the inside for help, but no one hears me, not even myself. I don’t know how to get out of this mess I created.

I feel so alone …

Without finishing my thoughts and even thinking I hit send. This was the first time I had voiced my feelings to anyone else. Though it felt good, I felt a twinge of guilt within me. I created this mess I am in and this is the pain I deserved, was it not?

The hot tears burned my eyes and I let go. I sobbed and sobbed until I had no more tears in me. It felt good to really let go. I never learned how to deal with my emotions. I was stubborn and never wanted to admit defeat or failure. Maybe that is why I could not pull away from this relationship. In the past I was always the one dumped, to me that was better than admitting I failed.

After calming myself down I dove into work. Work had always been my coping mechanism and it was what I knew. The day slipped away as I got a head start on my work week. I wanted to take some time to myself while he was gone for the week so I inteded to get a good start so I could take a few days off while he was away.

When I saw I had a new email a smile brushed a crossed my face and I quickly opened it.

My Dearest Friend,

Are you alright? Do you need me to come get you?

Me

I frowned at myself, it was not my goal to worry him, I just needed to get a few things off my chest.

Him,

I am fine, I just needed to get thoughts and feelings out. I have not done so in a long time. I am sorry you were my sounding board, but I really needed it.

Your Dearest Friend

 I waited anxiously for his reply, would he be upset?

My Dearest Friend,

Please do not apologize for letting your feelings out. I am always here for you. You should know that by now. I’m sorry if I have let you down in any way. The time I spend with you is dear to my heart, and I do not know what I would do if I had not found you.

I am here to support you in any way you need. I will listen to you, comfort you, or anything else you need. Even if you just need a shoulder to cry on about him, I will still be here for you.

Love always,
Me

It was emotional day and as I read his e-mails tears filled my eyes again. I was so torn on what to do. I knew what the right decision was in my heart, but my head told me something different. Why is it always hard to do what you know is right in your heart. Is it because I know I’ll break somebody’s heart  or is it because I’m not brave enough to do it?

Him,

I hope you realize that I am here for you as well. It breaks my heart that for so many years we were part. You always were my best friend regardless of the past. We cannot change the path we chose to take, but I do hope that nothing separates us again in the future.

I know what I need to do in my heart, but there is a battle between my heart and my head. I don’t know why it’s always so hard to follow through. I guess maybe because I’m not good at this. It is hard to hurt someone who loves you. And as you know I’ve been hurt a lot my past, which makes it harder to hurt someone else, regardless of their actions.

When I’m near you I feel the love you have for radiating off your body. It fills me with comfort and warmth, something I’ve not felt since all those years ago. It amazes me that after all these years I still get that from you.

Love always,
Your Dearest Friend

Anxiety pulsed through me after I sent that. I felt like my confusion may bring rejection, something I was not good at dealing with. But I must tell him how I feel, or I may live in regret. I waited for his response and grew sick with worry when I did not get one back. Maybe I scared him off and he was done with me. That could not be though, he insisted he would not lose me again without a fight.

My Dearest Friend,

Where is he?

Me

I wondered why he asked, this seemed like such an odd question to me.

Him,

He is out with friends, golfing I believe. He left shortly after I got home this morning. Why do you ask?

Your Dearest Friend

My mind continued to wonder even after my response, where was he going with this?

My Dearest Friend,

I was just curious. It seems he is never there for you. I just do not understand …

When can I see you again?

Me

My heart was racing. I knew I wanted to see him again, but when? Then a smile slipped a crossed my face and I knew the answer.

Him,

He leaves for a trip Weds morning and will be gone for more than a week. I can do most of my work from home, so how about Weds?

Your Dearest Friend

My head was spinning after I hit send. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I didn’t care. If my fiance was going to be reckless then so was I. Right or wrong, I just did not care any more.

My Dearest Friend,

See you then! The wait will be endless, but well worth it.

Love Always,

Him

Over

He emailed my faithfully every morning and every night, but I held my ground and continued to delete them. At some point I just stopped reading them. It was too painful and made my long to feel his touch again. However, no matter how badly I wanted to go to him I wouldn’t allow it, I made my decision and I was sticking firm to it. The goal of me seeing him was to get rid of the “what ifs,” but I began to wonder if seeing him made it worse. Often at night I would lay awake for hours just wondering. Sometimes I would think about what he was doing, others nights my mind took me to what we would be doing if I was there.

Thing with my boyfriend after I got back didn’t change. I did my best to be a better woman to him, but it seemed unnoticed. Often he would go out with his friends when he had a free moment from work. He would assume I didn’t care and often leave me a last-minute note letting me know. Our time spent together continued to decrease and often I felt like more of a roommate than a love interest and I defiantly did not feel like a fiance.

With the situation at home I began to work more and more. I turned my focus to my career and began going in early and leaving late.  I knew that regardless of my home life and who I was or was not with my career would always be stable. It was important to me, and I was going to take myself to the top of the company.

Every morning when I arrived at work I would faithfully check my email before I began the day. I did this knowing I would have one from him. Most days I deleted them without evening opening them, but sometimes my weakness got the best of me and I would read them first. I would then repeat this routine in the evening before going home. I knew I could count on at least one more email from him. Even though I cut off contact with him these email still provided me comfort. I truly loved him and at one point in my life I would have dropped everything for him. However, I decided not to be that girl. I would rather figure out the relationship I am in now, than running to him even if I wasn’t certain if this was the right choice.

The weeks drifted by and turned to months and then one day the emails stopped. I assumed he was busy that morning, and when the email wasn’t there that night I brushed it off. I won’t lie I was disappointed, but what did I expect? The next day there was still no email, but I let it go. It may have been a busy time at work for him, I wasn’t sure. However, after an entire week passed with no emails, I knew that it was over. I wasn’t sure what “it” was, but it was over. It saddened me when they stopped, but what did I expect. I cut him off, without giving him any type of explanation. Through his emails he tried to understand, but he just wanted to know that I was alright, but I refused to let him know.  I treated him terrible. And what did I expect? That even though I ignored him he would continue to send me emails every day with no word, no response? But even with that being said, it hurt me, it hurt me to my core. I felt myself shut down, he after all was the only person that I felt like truly loved and cared about me, and now, now he was gone.

You Don’t Always Get What You Want

When I woke in his arms the next morning I began to worry things would be awkward between us. Would they be uncomfortable? Maybe I better go home today instead of staying another day. I was more nervous about how we would be with one another than I was about the lines I had crossed last night. Now, I was a cheater! I know, I should have been upset, ashamed, disappointed in myself, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t help the way I felt. I knew it was wrong, I knew I should end things with my boyfriend, but for that moment I was not angry with myself.

He began to stir beneath me and let out a quiet “good morning.”

The way he said it I knew things would not be awkward between us and I put my fears to rest. I rolled over to look at him and said, “good morning. Did you sleep well?”

He smiled and pulled himself up to kiss me. “I couldn’t have slept better.”

I grinned at him and leaned back down to get another kiss. God I loved the way his lips felt on mine. But even more, I love the way my body felt each time they touched mine. A surge shot through me, one I cannot describe, but it sent amazing feelings all through my body. If I wasn’t careful, I knew I would become addicted to this drug.

The morning progressed and nothing significant happened, other than me feeling more connected to him than I already did. Everything we did, we did it together. I enjoyed this, but it was a concept I was not used to. Normally if I wanted to do something or needed something done, I did it myself.

As the day went by we spent most of the time outside enjoying the cool weather and talking. We had talked for countless hours over the past few days, but we never ran out of topics. I was able to tell him about things that didn’t matter, but he made me feel like they did, he made me feel important. When I talked to him, he listened. He gave me his total and full attention.

That evening as we went to bed, and yes we went to bed together again, we did not have sex, though I wanted to. However, I could not cross that boundary, and he never pressured me to. The feelings between us that night where more amped up than the night before. I have never felt a want, a need, so deep within me.

At some point I found tears glistening in my eyes. He pulled back from kissing me and softly placed his hand on me cheek, “whats wrong?” he asked.

I couldn’t speak, my emotions where high and I didn’t want to lose control and sob like a child. I smiled at him and stroked his cheek just looking at him, waiting for words. Finally, I had the courage and control I needed to tell him. “I’ve never felt this before.”

He lowered his voice a bit, “felt what?”

The tears slowly streamed down my cheeks and he gently wiped them away. I took a deep breath telling my self to get a hold of it. “I’ve never felt this, this emotional connection with anyone before.”

“Ok,” he said in a sweet voice and I could tell he wasn’t understanding where I was going.

“It’s hard for me to process all these feelings and emotions I have. The way you touch me, I’ve never been touched like that before. The way you kiss me, I’ve never been kissed that way. Everything is new for me. My tears aren’t out of sorrow, they are from happiness.”

He kissed me on my forehead and held me close for a few moments. “It’s different for me too,” he said. “I can’t explain it, it just is.”

We fell asleep in each others arms. His arms … the place I felt most safe, comfortable, and accepted.

When I woke the next morning I had a knot in my stomach. It was time for me to go home, back to my real life. I didn’t want to leave him, and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to. Where do we go from here? What now? I still hadn’t heard from my boyfriend. What if I didn’t go home? What If I stay here and start my life over. I half laughed at myself, what a ridiculous thought.

As we ate breakfast neither of use talked much. We knew in just a few hours goodbye was coming. We didn’t want to say it, but sometimes what you want just doesn’t matter.

On the way back to my car he held my hand, but didn’t speak. I was praying my car had been towed, at least that way I would have a few more hours with him. Pulling into the park my heart sank when I seen my car sitting there. I could feel the tears burning my eyes, but I wasn’t going to let them. He pulled into the space next to mine and turned his car off. We sat there, no one saying anything, just looking at one another.

I wanted to speak, I had so much to say, but the sooner someone spoke, the sooner this would end. He began drawing patterns up my arm, something he did all those years ago, and the butterflies in my belly grew. Why was this happening to me? Why was I in such a predicament.

We were both startled by my ringing phone, I dug it out of my purse and saw it was my boyfriend. I opted not to answer it and put it back.

“Guess you should be going. You have a long drive home and I don’t want him to get upset since he suddenly cares,” he said with a strong tone of resentment.

I didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to say fuck you! He didn’t know my boyfriend, so how dare he judge him, but I knew why he felt that way, I did too.

I leaned over the counsel and rested my head against his shoulder. He softly stroked my hair, and I knew it was over. I had to go home, I was away too long, and behind at work. But I didn’t care about getting back to my boyfriend.

“Darling, if you wait to long it will be dark before you get home. I don’t want to say bye, but I also don’t want you driving at night.”

I lifted my head off his shoulders and our eyes met. The fire between us blazed and I could feel my skin clam up. We just looked at each other and then our mouths met. They came together hard and we kissed each other like teenagers, fierce, fast, and a little sloppy. My body flushed and I wanted him, I wanted him right then and there. I didn’t care who seen, but then he pulled away.

“I don’t want to tell you goodbye,” he said softly,

I leaned over and kissed him again, “I will see you later,” I said. Then I opened the door and got out.

He met me at my car door. “Promise me,” he said.

“Promise what?”

“That you will see me later. Promise me.”

“I promise you I want to,” I told him.

“That isn’t good enough. Promise me you will.” his eyes were beginning to glaze and I feared he may begin to cry.

“I will promise you that I want to see you again.”

“Damn it, why can’t you promise me you will? I love you! I have loved you for over 13 years. Yes, I fucked up, yes I ruined it, but I am here right now trying to make it up to you.”

I angrly wiped the tears off my cheeks that had begun flowing like a waterfall. Why was he doing this? “I want to see you again.”

“That isn’t good enough.”

“I can’t make you a promise,” I started, my temper flaring. “that I do not know if I can keep.”

“Oh I get it!” he said, his temper hotter than mine. “You can’t promise to see me again, the man who truly does love you and care for you. One that would do anything for you. And why not? Oh because of the piece of shit boyfriend you have waiting for you. The one who didn’t call you for two days when you were with a stranger. The one who didn’t give a shit about you when you were hurt. But that is who you must go home to!”

My jaw dropped, I was surprised it had come to this. I guess I didn’t know how everything would play out, but this was a new side of him and it shocked me. I wanted to slap his face, he deserved it, but I was better than that. And as much as I hate to admit it, he was right. Once I regained composure all I could do was mutter a simple, “yes,” and then I got in my car and drove off without another word.

Guilt

We didn’t speak much during the car ride to his house. I pretended I was asleep, but really my mind was racing. What the hell was I doing! I was shocked by my own actions. Part of me wanted to tell him I had changed my mind, but I could not or rather the other part of me did not want to. I had waited years for him to come back into my life and now that he was here I wanted to explore this. For years I had imagined and dreamt about him and for the first time I was going to be able to experience it. However, this was not right, I was not a single woman, I did not have the right, the freedom to explore this. The turmoil continued within me until we pulled until his drive way.

He lived in a ranch style house that was set back deep on his lot. There was a large garage off to the one side that had a boat sitting in front of it. The yard was well maintained and had gorgeous flowers growing in designated areas. I was breath taken by the site, it was more than I had imagined. As we pulled into his garage he asked me if I wanted help getting into the house. Me being the stubborn woman I am told him I would be fine.

I slowly hobbled my way into the house behind him where he held the door for me. He told me to make myself at home as he showed me into his living room. “I would give you a tour, but I suppose you aren’t in any condition for that,” he said with a sly grin on his face. We sat down in the living room and he asked me if I wanted a drink. With that he made his way into the kitchen where I heard things clanking around and then a blender. He slid open a glass door onto a deck and took a pitcher out filled with strawberry daiquiri. Then he came in and got me and we headed out to his deck.

Sitting down he brought me a pillow to comfortably prop up my ankle and then put more ice on it. We sat their gazing out into the cool air like we had done so many years before, the only difference was tonight we had alcohol.

“I sit out here often and think about the past. Remembering what we had and remember how I fucked it up,” he said in a cool deep tone. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. Mostly for hurting you and letting you down, but also partly for myself and losing the only chance I had with you. I know we were young, but I know it was real. I didn’t know how to handle love like that at such an early age. I think it scared me.”

I looked at him as he spoke. Sorrow was written all over his face. I longed to go to him, hold his face in my hands and kiss him, but I controlled my urge. ” I didn’t know how to handle it either. I didn’t understand it, often still don’t. Why after all these years and all this time do I still think about you every day?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Because I’m thinking about you too.”

He slowly sipped his daiquiri as he looked at me. There was something in his eyes, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then my phone sounded from my purse and startled me. He stood up, “I’ll bring it to you so you don’t have to walk on your ankle.” As he handed me the phone I could see his face change and I looked down to see my boyfriends name on the read out. As I answered the phone he quietly slipped inside and shut the door.

“You make it home?” asked the voice on the other end. He was staying out-of-town on a golfing trip with his friends.

“No exactly,” I replied. “I hurt my ankle and didn’t feel like I was able to drive home.

“Are you ok? Do you need me to leave and come get you?” he asked in a concerned tone.

“No I am alright, I went back to my friend’s house.”

“That is good. So I take it things were not awkward between the two of you even though you haven’t seen each other in all these years?” He asked. He didn’t know who I was seeing, just that it was a long-lost friend I had not seen in years.

“Not at all, seems like we picked up right where we left off.”

We spoke for a few moments longer and he encouraged me to stay with my friend the entire time he was away on his golf outing so I too could enjoy my time. My guild deepened with these words and I could feel knots in my stomach as he told me he loved me and we hung up the phone. What the hell was I doing I asked myself again. This wasn’t me.