Guilt

We didn’t speak much during the car ride to his house. I pretended I was asleep, but really my mind was racing. What the hell was I doing! I was shocked by my own actions. Part of me wanted to tell him I had changed my mind, but I could not or rather the other part of me did not want to. I had waited years for him to come back into my life and now that he was here I wanted to explore this. For years I had imagined and dreamt about him and for the first time I was going to be able to experience it. However, this was not right, I was not a single woman, I did not have the right, the freedom to explore this. The turmoil continued within me until we pulled until his drive way.

He lived in a ranch style house that was set back deep on his lot. There was a large garage off to the one side that had a boat sitting in front of it. The yard was well maintained and had gorgeous flowers growing in designated areas. I was breath taken by the site, it was more than I had imagined. As we pulled into his garage he asked me if I wanted help getting into the house. Me being the stubborn woman I am told him I would be fine.

I slowly hobbled my way into the house behind him where he held the door for me. He told me to make myself at home as he showed me into his living room. “I would give you a tour, but I suppose you aren’t in any condition for that,” he said with a sly grin on his face. We sat down in the living room and he asked me if I wanted a drink. With that he made his way into the kitchen where I heard things clanking around and then a blender. He slid open a glass door onto a deck and took a pitcher out filled with strawberry daiquiri. Then he came in and got me and we headed out to his deck.

Sitting down he brought me a pillow to comfortably prop up my ankle and then put more ice on it. We sat their gazing out into the cool air like we had done so many years before, the only difference was tonight we had alcohol.

“I sit out here often and think about the past. Remembering what we had and remember how I fucked it up,” he said in a cool deep tone. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. Mostly for hurting you and letting you down, but also partly for myself and losing the only chance I had with you. I know we were young, but I know it was real. I didn’t know how to handle love like that at such an early age. I think it scared me.”

I looked at him as he spoke. Sorrow was written all over his face. I longed to go to him, hold his face in my hands and kiss him, but I controlled my urge. ” I didn’t know how to handle it either. I didn’t understand it, often still don’t. Why after all these years and all this time do I still think about you every day?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Because I’m thinking about you too.”

He slowly sipped his daiquiri as he looked at me. There was something in his eyes, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then my phone sounded from my purse and startled me. He stood up, “I’ll bring it to you so you don’t have to walk on your ankle.” As he handed me the phone I could see his face change and I looked down to see my boyfriends name on the read out. As I answered the phone he quietly slipped inside and shut the door.

“You make it home?” asked the voice on the other end. He was staying out-of-town on a golfing trip with his friends.

“No exactly,” I replied. “I hurt my ankle and didn’t feel like I was able to drive home.

“Are you ok? Do you need me to leave and come get you?” he asked in a concerned tone.

“No I am alright, I went back to my friend’s house.”

“That is good. So I take it things were not awkward between the two of you even though you haven’t seen each other in all these years?” He asked. He didn’t know who I was seeing, just that it was a long-lost friend I had not seen in years.

“Not at all, seems like we picked up right where we left off.”

We spoke for a few moments longer and he encouraged me to stay with my friend the entire time he was away on his golf outing so I too could enjoy my time. My guild deepened with these words and I could feel knots in my stomach as he told me he loved me and we hung up the phone. What the hell was I doing I asked myself again. This wasn’t me.