When

Him,

I know you just left me not so long ago, but I regret having you take me here. I wish I would have stayed with you today.

I want you to know how sorry I am for cutting you off. I thought I could fix things at home. I blamed myself for the trouble in my relationship and that I wasn’t the women I needed to be for him. However, I did not want you to cloud my judgment in my decision, so I decided having no contact with you would be the best route to go.

Now, it appears I have not fixed anything. It does not matter who I am he isn’t the man I need him to be. He takes me for granted and can easily just walk all over me. Why? Because I fucking let him! Of course he is going to do this to me, I let him.

He didn’t even know I was gone last night. Just rolled in climbed into our bed and went to sleep. He doesn’t care about others, just himself. I feel so broken down and so used. I want to escape, I really do. I am screaming on the inside for help, but no one hears me, not even myself. I don’t know how to get out of this mess I created.

I feel so alone …

Without finishing my thoughts and even thinking I hit send. This was the first time I had voiced my feelings to anyone else. Though it felt good, I felt a twinge of guilt within me. I created this mess I am in and this is the pain I deserved, was it not?

The hot tears burned my eyes and I let go. I sobbed and sobbed until I had no more tears in me. It felt good to really let go. I never learned how to deal with my emotions. I was stubborn and never wanted to admit defeat or failure. Maybe that is why I could not pull away from this relationship. In the past I was always the one dumped, to me that was better than admitting I failed.

After calming myself down I dove into work. Work had always been my coping mechanism and it was what I knew. The day slipped away as I got a head start on my work week. I wanted to take some time to myself while he was gone for the week so I inteded to get a good start so I could take a few days off while he was away.

When I saw I had a new email a smile brushed a crossed my face and I quickly opened it.

My Dearest Friend,

Are you alright? Do you need me to come get you?

Me

I frowned at myself, it was not my goal to worry him, I just needed to get a few things off my chest.

Him,

I am fine, I just needed to get thoughts and feelings out. I have not done so in a long time. I am sorry you were my sounding board, but I really needed it.

Your Dearest Friend

 I waited anxiously for his reply, would he be upset?

My Dearest Friend,

Please do not apologize for letting your feelings out. I am always here for you. You should know that by now. I’m sorry if I have let you down in any way. The time I spend with you is dear to my heart, and I do not know what I would do if I had not found you.

I am here to support you in any way you need. I will listen to you, comfort you, or anything else you need. Even if you just need a shoulder to cry on about him, I will still be here for you.

Love always,
Me

It was emotional day and as I read his e-mails tears filled my eyes again. I was so torn on what to do. I knew what the right decision was in my heart, but my head told me something different. Why is it always hard to do what you know is right in your heart. Is it because I know I’ll break somebody’s heart  or is it because I’m not brave enough to do it?

Him,

I hope you realize that I am here for you as well. It breaks my heart that for so many years we were part. You always were my best friend regardless of the past. We cannot change the path we chose to take, but I do hope that nothing separates us again in the future.

I know what I need to do in my heart, but there is a battle between my heart and my head. I don’t know why it’s always so hard to follow through. I guess maybe because I’m not good at this. It is hard to hurt someone who loves you. And as you know I’ve been hurt a lot my past, which makes it harder to hurt someone else, regardless of their actions.

When I’m near you I feel the love you have for radiating off your body. It fills me with comfort and warmth, something I’ve not felt since all those years ago. It amazes me that after all these years I still get that from you.

Love always,
Your Dearest Friend

Anxiety pulsed through me after I sent that. I felt like my confusion may bring rejection, something I was not good at dealing with. But I must tell him how I feel, or I may live in regret. I waited for his response and grew sick with worry when I did not get one back. Maybe I scared him off and he was done with me. That could not be though, he insisted he would not lose me again without a fight.

My Dearest Friend,

Where is he?

Me

I wondered why he asked, this seemed like such an odd question to me.

Him,

He is out with friends, golfing I believe. He left shortly after I got home this morning. Why do you ask?

Your Dearest Friend

My mind continued to wonder even after my response, where was he going with this?

My Dearest Friend,

I was just curious. It seems he is never there for you. I just do not understand …

When can I see you again?

Me

My heart was racing. I knew I wanted to see him again, but when? Then a smile slipped a crossed my face and I knew the answer.

Him,

He leaves for a trip Weds morning and will be gone for more than a week. I can do most of my work from home, so how about Weds?

Your Dearest Friend

My head was spinning after I hit send. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I didn’t care. If my fiance was going to be reckless then so was I. Right or wrong, I just did not care any more.

My Dearest Friend,

See you then! The wait will be endless, but well worth it.

Love Always,

Him

Not Even Here

The drive home was long and silent much like the drive to his house. My brain was reeling in so many different directions I could not sort my thoughts out. I knew what I needed to do, I just did not know how I was going to do it.

He dropped me off in the drive way and I walked slowly up to the door still wearing the dress from the night before. The door was unlocked when I reached it and I quietly slipped in. I found my fiance still sleeping in our bed so I headed to the bathroom and took a hot shower.

The water burned against my skin, but I needed the relief of my stress and torment. The dull pain against my skin was the only thing reassuring me that I was alive and this was my life.

I heard the squeek of the bathroom door open and held my breath. I was sure there would be  a fight about where I was last night. Maybe that is what I needed to end them, to ensure he was gut wrenching mad at me.

I seen his head peek around the corn of the shower curtain and he smiled. I smiled back with my breath caught in my lungs waiting.

“Some night last night,” he said as he turned on the sink water and began to brush his teeth.

I waited in silence, what was he getting at.

“I’m not even sure what time I got in last night,” he said. “I hope you weren’t worried,” he continued.

My god, he didn’t even know I wasn’t here! What does that say?

“We are going to head out and play some golf here in a few,” he said and paused waiting for me answer.

“When are you guys leaving for you trip?” I asked changing the subject.

“Wednesday morning. We decided to leave a little earlier, most of us can work from the hotel anyways.”

“Alright. Well, have fun.” I say trying to sound as upbeat as I could, but my brain was in over drive.

Once he left the bathroom I finished washing myself and got out. I barely dried off before slipping on my fluffy robe. This was it, the final straw. He left me last night, he did not even know I didn’t come home last night and now he is gone again today.

I checked the garage to make sure his car was gone and then I headed to my office and switched on my computer.

Of Course

The next morning when I woke I had a dull aching headache, probably from all the champagne I had the night before. As I slowly opened my eyes I saw his beautiful sleeping face next to mine. What was I doing? I needed to sort this shit out and make a decision. I was leading two men on, both whom I cared greatly about.

He must have felt my eyes on him as he slowly stirred and opened his eyes. “Good morning,” he said. It was the first words either of us spoke since we left the night before. A smile crept over his face and it was hard for me not to return it.

“Morning,” I said. The sound of my voice startled me, it was way to chipper for the predicament I was in.

We laid there a bit longer not talking and my mind was wheeling. I did not know what I should do at this point. I am sure my fiance was furious and it was probably best for me to go home, but I really did not want to.

He reached out and brushed a finger down my cheek. His fingers were rough from work, but I enjoyed it. My fiance never touched me in such a caring way. “How are you feeling?”

I rolled onto my back and looked at the ceiling, I couldn’t bear to gaze into his dark eyes any longer. They made me want, a want I could not resist. “I have a headache,” I managed after a pause.

He rolled out of bed and made his way out of the room. I heard shuffling around in the bathroom and then his foot step down the hall. When I heard the sound of water in the kitchen I knew what he was doing. He came back into the room and sat beside me handing me two white pills and a glass of water.

Taking the pills from his hand I popped them in my mouth and greedily drank down the water. It was cold and quenching, I drank far too much the night before. Taking the glass from my lips I looked up at him, “Thank you.”

He was quiet again, probably just as confused as I was. Finlay he breaks the silence, “what are you doing?”

I cock my head to the side and look at him. What does he mean? I am currently sitting in his bed drinking a glass of water, this is a silly question.

“You know what I mean,” he says in a deeper voice. “It is clear you want more, so why…” his voice trails off.

“Fuck,” I start. “I don’t know. I love him, I really do, but…” I put my head down as guilt passes through me. I am ashamed of my behavior.

He places his hand on my cheek and gently tugs my face back up to meet his eyes. “What do you want?” his voice is softer now.

I can feel the tears burn my eyes as I try to fight them. I want you! I have always wanted you! But now, now it is too late isn’t it? Don’t you see this. I am screaming inside, but I do not have the courage to express these thoughts. I feel the first tear brim over and fall down my cheek. He gently brushes it away but holds my gaze. He was still waiting for an answer.

After several deep breaths I control my tears and believe I can trust my voice. “I want an easy button,” I say in a matter of fact tone.

His mouth dropped open and I was uncertain if he was shocked or upset by my answer. “You know damn well life doesn’t come with an easy button. You wouldn’t be where you are today if life was easy.” He paused and gently stroked my cheek again. As much as I enjoyed this feeling I wished he would stop, he was only making things harder for me.

“I think you know what you want, deep down you do. For some reason you are scared of it and I do not know why, but that isn’t for me to figure out.” his eyes were gentle as he spoke. “I am here for you in whatever you decide and I will support you.” He then slid off the bed and left me there in all my thoughts.

After taking time and clearing my thoughts I left the bedroom and found him in the kitchen. I clear my throat and he looks up catching my gaze. “I need to go back and sort this out.” I tell him in a meek voice. I felt defeated, but I knew it was what needed to be done. Funny thing is I always know what needs to be done, it is just the following through part with me.

He gives me a soft smile and I am not sure if I should take this as understanding or hurt. Maybe both. “Alright,” he says sliding away from the table and walking towards me.

As he was about to walk by me I place my hand on his arm and stop him. “Tell me something,” I ask in such a low voice it is almost a whisper.

“Anything.”

“If I can’t sort this out, at least no right away …” my voice trails off.

He places a finger under my chin pulling my face up towards his, “Finish,” he says.

“If I need a little more time to sort everything out … will you still speak to me?”

A smile brushes over his face, “Of course, whatever you need. I am not losing you again, not without a fight,” he says leaving the room.

Warmth and Comfort

The drive was long, but it gave me time to gather my thoughts and heal my bruised ego. It was hurt more that he over heard the conversation, not that my fiance left me at our engagement party. His action did not shock me as it was typical of him. I recall a few years prior getting the news that a long lost friend from high school had suddently passed away. My fiance comforted me and held me … for awhile. However, when he felt it was long enough he gently kissed me on the check and told me he was heading out with the boys. His lack of compassion, or whatever you shal call it, never fails to amaze me.

We pulled down his long drive way after midnight and I battled with myself. What the hell was I doing, but I didn’t care. After parking the car he came around and opened my door leading me inside.

The silence between us continued and he left me in the livingroom as he walked down the hall. I took inventory of the house, noting nothing had changed since my last visit. When he reappeared he handed me the tshirt he lent me last time and a wash cloth.

I didn’t make eye contact when I took the items from his hands and I lead myself down the hall to his bathroom. Once behind the locked door I almost had a melt down, but stopped myself. There was no sense in punishing myself, what was done was done. I cannot go back in time and call off the engement party. Now I must pick up the pieces and decide how I was going to handle this.

Washing the makeup off my face I looked at myself in the mirror. What was wrong with me? Why did I do this to him? There was no reason for me to cut him off, atleast not without an explanation. Deep down was I punishing him for the hurt in the past?

A knock at the door startled me, but he did not say anything. I could hear him breathing on the otherside and decided he was trying to see if I was alright. I finished taking my makeup off and slipped out of my dress. As I began pulling his tshirt over my head I paused and smelled it. God I loved his smell.

When I came out of the bathroom I expected him to still be there, but he was not. I found him in the bedroom with a pillow and blanket in his hands. I assumed he was heading to the couch, but I did not want that. I went to him and took the pillow from his hand and placed it back on the bed. He looked me in the eyes and I held his gaze. I could see he wanted to speak, but he remained quiet and gently wrapped his arms around me.

My emotions were a mess within me and I did not know what I wanted to do. Parts of me wanted to laugh, others cry, some wanted me to shout, and the rest was just confused. I let out a deep breath and pushed against him a bit more, I felt comfort and I felt warmth in his arms.

After several minutes we crawled into his bed. I lay facing him and our forheads rested against each other. We laid still looking at each other in silence and both wondering what the other was thinking. At one point he began to gently brush my cheeck with his fingers. 

I was confused, I did not know why he was there. I just cut him off, no reason, no explanation, yet he was there. He picked me up when I was about to fall to pieces, regardless if I wanted to admit it or not. He knew and deep down it killed me to realize he knew me this well.

Why did he seem so damn perfect to me? And then the haunting words of my grandmother came to me, “grass always seems greener on the other side.” A twinge in my stomach struck me as these words bounced into my head. My mind began to ramble again, but I quickly shut it down. Not tonight, I found peace, comfort, and warmth and I just wanted to enjoy it. I slowly closed my eyes and let myself drift away.

Get Away

We sat together a little longer. Besides the DJ blaring inside and a few chirps from night-time bugs it was silent. I knew who it was before I even looked, but I wondered why. Not the person I would expect and I was not sure how to feel about it.

As my eyes met his, warmth flooded my body. He always had a way of making me feel better. When a smile crept across his face I felt one grow on mine.

“Why?” he said in a low voice.

“Yes, why.”

“Why what?” he questioned.

“Everything.” I replied.

“Why am I here? Well, it was in the paper, so I thought all were invited.”

I laughed at his smart reply, of course he would have seen it in the paper. But, maybe not, he lived so far away.

“That’s a cheap answer.”

“So you are looking for something more than the obvious answer? Why am I here after you clearly cut me off?”

“Yes,” I replied in a meek voice. I felt my cheeks blush with embarrassment.

“Damnit, because I love you! Not to mention I vowed I would not let you get away this time, at least not without a fight.”

No, no, no my brain was screaming. This is not right. I cannot get tangled in this mess. I am an engaged woman and as of now I have committed myself to another man.

I heard foot steps behind us and turned to see my fiance standing there.

“Who are you talking to,” he asked.

I turned from my fiance to him, wondering what I would say, but he was no longer there.

“Oh,” he said, “I thought I heard you talking to someone. I guess it was someone inside.”

I smiled at him, there was nothing for me to say.

“Hey,” he continued, “I am going to head out with the guys.”

“Alright,” I said hiding the dissatisfaction in my voice. Here it was, our engagement party and he was heading out with the boys, so typical.

“You don’t need to clean up anything.”

“Sounds good,” I replied.

He turned to walk away and then stopped and turned back to me. “You’ll be able to find a ride home, won’t you?” he asked. Clearly he forgot that we had come to the party together.

I smiled at him, “that won’t be a problem.”

He turned again walking away. Silence filled the air as the DJ cut the sound. I heard him yall something to a friend as he shut the car door and drove away.

Moments later he was standing before me, “where did you go,” I asked.

“I heard him coming before you did and I slipped down the steps into the shadows.”

I nodded, it made sense. However, that also meant he heard the conversation between my fiance and I. This made me more  than a little embarrassed.

He reached his hand out and took mine pulling me to my feet. “You have no obligation to stay here any longer,” he said as he led me to his car. I quietly obliged, he was right, what else would I do here?

I slid into his car and he turned the radio on quietly. Cracking the window I let the air blow my hair back as we drove. I did not ask him where he was taking me. I really did not care. At that moment I needed to get away from the embarrassment and the shame.

Reaching across my lap he took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. I could tell by the look he gave me he was sorry, but what for? He did not do anything wrong. These were my choices and decisions. I knew I needed to fix all that I had done wrong, but I was not sure what the best way to handle the situation was. So for that night I just needed to get away.

Engagement Party

When the night of our engagement part arrived I grew physically ill over the emotions and torment I was going through. I knew I should have called off the wedding by now, but I could not find it in me. I was disappointed with my inability to come clean about my true feelings before the day had arrived, now I had no choice. I must shake it lose and continue on with the party.

God love my friends, but they were so infatuated with my fiance’s looks that they could not see what was really going on here. One wiped a cool damp wash cloth over my forehead whispering, “It’s just nerves honey. This is your practice run for your big day. We got this, we are all here to support you.”

I wanted to yell at her, “If you were here to support me then help me get out of this mess!” but instead I mustered a smile as I gave myself a mental pep talk and swallowed back down my stomach vile.

The number of people who showed for the occasion surprised me, I am not sure why he wanted it in the paper, but if it was to have a larger party this idea worked. I did my best to mingle with those there and made my rounds. When the party first began and during dinner he was by my side, but then he disappeared. This was normal in our house, so it did not surprise me. As friends and family continued to congratulate me I was shocked they did not see something wrong with this situation.

With the DJ blaring towards the end of the night most who remained where dancing. I managed to slip out on the back porch of the estate we rented. I found myself sitting on the steps and gazing out into the nights air. I was exhausted from the days events, but more so from the constant turmoil I was in with myself.

I felt my mind shift back to him as I looked out into the night sky. A smile spread across my face as I thought of him and the way he made me feel. He had showed me so many things about love during our short weekend. The way he looked at me made me feel like I was the only person in the world.

I was startled by movement behind me, I turned but did not see anyone, however I could sense someone was there. I continued to look out into the air and listen, I was waiting for another sound, something to signal who was there.

A few more footsteps and then feet appeared beside me. They stepped down a step, but I refused to look up. Then I could hear them bending and they sat down next to me. I never saw the face, but by the touch I knew who it was. My eyes burned.

“Why,” I said in a soft whisper.

A hand slid around me and rested on my lower back gently pulling me in for comfort. I felt my emotions go and tears began to stream. I held this in for too long, but I could not do so any longer. I was disappointed in myself.

Time ticked by slowly as I sat there, still not looking at this persons face. I felt warmth and comfort throughout and was able to pull myself together and wipe my tears.

Doubt

Time drifted by day by day. Sometimes the days passed fast, others slow, but he was always on my mind. I feared that once again I had lost him, but this time he was not at fault.

I felt my depression deepen and I grew uncertain with my life. This was not what I had planned, but these where the choices I made. I made these decisions, and I weighed the consequences before doing so. Why was I living in this turmoil?

Thing with my boyfriend, well now, fiance, were the same as usual. We had the routine nights in with each other, but normally we just seen the other in passing. More or less we were glorified roommates with one bed. Before I was comfortable with the situation, but after spending my weekend with him, it has grown to bother me. I wanted more and it is time I stop living in denial.

However, the wedding plans are pushing on. My fiance wanted to get married sooner rather than later, and I, well I agreed. The announcement hit the paper last week and we are having an engagement party this weekend. But I am growing nervous. I do not think I want to go through with this any more. I voiced this to my best friend, but she brushed it off as “cold feet.”

“You two are perfect for each other. You are meant to be, every bride gets cold feet.”

Her words still haunts me, it took me a day or two of pondering, before deciding that this is more than cold feet, but what now? In the end it does not matter when I call it off, so long as I do. However, if I went through with the engagement party it would be harder for me to look my friends and family in the face, because I knew all along I was not going to marry him.

Then again, they cannot be me at me, can they? They would not want me to be miserable all my life. Though, they are all under the conception that we have the perfect relationship, and we are perfect together. Clearly, they did not know how lonely it is to be in a relationship with him.

Over

He emailed my faithfully every morning and every night, but I held my ground and continued to delete them. At some point I just stopped reading them. It was too painful and made my long to feel his touch again. However, no matter how badly I wanted to go to him I wouldn’t allow it, I made my decision and I was sticking firm to it. The goal of me seeing him was to get rid of the “what ifs,” but I began to wonder if seeing him made it worse. Often at night I would lay awake for hours just wondering. Sometimes I would think about what he was doing, others nights my mind took me to what we would be doing if I was there.

Thing with my boyfriend after I got back didn’t change. I did my best to be a better woman to him, but it seemed unnoticed. Often he would go out with his friends when he had a free moment from work. He would assume I didn’t care and often leave me a last-minute note letting me know. Our time spent together continued to decrease and often I felt like more of a roommate than a love interest and I defiantly did not feel like a fiance.

With the situation at home I began to work more and more. I turned my focus to my career and began going in early and leaving late.  I knew that regardless of my home life and who I was or was not with my career would always be stable. It was important to me, and I was going to take myself to the top of the company.

Every morning when I arrived at work I would faithfully check my email before I began the day. I did this knowing I would have one from him. Most days I deleted them without evening opening them, but sometimes my weakness got the best of me and I would read them first. I would then repeat this routine in the evening before going home. I knew I could count on at least one more email from him. Even though I cut off contact with him these email still provided me comfort. I truly loved him and at one point in my life I would have dropped everything for him. However, I decided not to be that girl. I would rather figure out the relationship I am in now, than running to him even if I wasn’t certain if this was the right choice.

The weeks drifted by and turned to months and then one day the emails stopped. I assumed he was busy that morning, and when the email wasn’t there that night I brushed it off. I won’t lie I was disappointed, but what did I expect? The next day there was still no email, but I let it go. It may have been a busy time at work for him, I wasn’t sure. However, after an entire week passed with no emails, I knew that it was over. I wasn’t sure what “it” was, but it was over. It saddened me when they stopped, but what did I expect. I cut him off, without giving him any type of explanation. Through his emails he tried to understand, but he just wanted to know that I was alright, but I refused to let him know.  I treated him terrible. And what did I expect? That even though I ignored him he would continue to send me emails every day with no word, no response? But even with that being said, it hurt me, it hurt me to my core. I felt myself shut down, he after all was the only person that I felt like truly loved and cared about me, and now, now he was gone.

Concern

I vowed that I would not contact him any longer. When his emails came, I did give in and read them, but I deleted them immediately after. The first few emails I received where asking if I made it home alright. Some of them even touched on what a great time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. Those stirred a lot of emotions in me. I desperately wanted to respond, but knew I couldn’t. I made a promise to myself that after my confession I would work things out with my boyfriend, and I was doing so. Not to mention we were now getting married.

As the days passed with no response, his emails grew more concerned. He wanted to know if my boyfriend found out that I had been with him. He asked if I was alright, if he had hurt me in any way. He begged me just to tell him I was alright. Told me if I needed him to come get me to find a way to tell him and he would drop everything and do so. Finally out of desperation he told me that he just needed me to tell him I was okay. I didn’t have to say anything else, but he needed to know.

Believe me, I wanted to respond. I wanted him to know I was alright, I didn’t want him to worry. Most of all I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to take me away. I didn’t want this, yes, maybe this life was the “almost” perfect life that I expected, but it wasn’t me. It was not what I wanted. I wanted a fairy tale with a bumpy road. I didn’t want a life that was expected, the life other thought I should have.

I gave in and clicked the reply button on that email. I couldn’t do this any longer, I need to speak to him. I needed him in my life. I had waited thirteen years for him to walk back in my life, and I wasn’t going to allow him to leave again, at least not without a fight. I hit the first few keys on the board to respond, and then I heard my boyfriends car pulling down the drive. Panic sank in and it took me a few moments to decide just what to do. Then, I did what I had with all his other emails, and deleted it. It took me a few moments to pull myself together, but I managed and then made my way to the front door and greeted my boyfriend. As he kissed me with almost no emotion  I wanted to cry, but then I reminded myself, I hadn’t always been the best women to him. I promised to work on me and become a between girlfriend, and now a soon to be wife, and that was what I was going to do.

Confession

When I arrived home my boyfriend wasn’t there even though he said he would be. I didn’t feel disappointed however, I felt relief. This gave me more time to reflect on the decision I had made during the drive home. I let the hot shower run over my body and as I soaked it in I also soaked in my decision. Yes, this was the right one, confess and be done with him regardless of my confession outcome.

Once out of the shower I shut my brain down, no more thinking. The decision was made and I must follow through. After slipping on some clothes I made my way down the hall and was a little startled to see my boyfriend in our livingroom. When he seen me he jumped up and greeted me with a hug and kiss.

“There you are,” he said. “I missed you.”

Doubt crossed my mind, if he missed me. Why didn’t he call while I was away. But I pushed that away, this was the life I was supposed to have. “I missed you too,” I said faking a smile.

“Something I want to talk to you about,” he said quickly.

I knew now was my chance and I couldn’t let it pass me by, if I waited, it would never come. “Me too.”

“You have something you want to talk to me about?” he said with a hint of concern in his eyes.

“Yes.”

He looked at me heavy, waiting for me to continue. When I didn’t he said, “you can go first.”

I felt my breath quicken and a sinking feeling in my stomach. This wasn’t going to be good, but I made my bed, it was time to lay in it. “The friend I met and stayed with,” I started, but he cut me off.

“I know, it was him.”

I was stunned and gapped at him. How did he know?

“Are you over that now?” He asked, but before I could respond he continued, “or do you need more time to figure it out.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, I was shocked. Did he think I faked my ankle injury. “I don’t need any more time,” I said and sat down on the couch. I then held out my foot to him, “I wasn’t joking about my ankle.” I said showing him the blue and purple ankle.

He sat down beside me and looked at it. “I’m sorry,” he began, “I didn’t think you lied about it, but I didn’t think it was this bad. How does it feel now?” he asked.

“I can walk on it with little pain.”

“That’s good, it still looks terrible.”

“Thanks,” I said letting out a little laugh.

“I need to ask you one thing, and I want an honest answer.”

“Alright, anything,” I told him.

“Did you have sex with him?”

I was a bit taken aback, no I didn’t have sex with him, but why the question. Why was he so calm? What had he been up to. No, this was just my guilt kicking in. “No, I did not have sex with him. I’ve not had sex with anyone other than you during our entire relationship.”

He smiled, “that’s all I needed to know.” He then took my hands and pulled me up to my feet. “Now. it’s my turn,” he stated.

I looked at him wondering where this was going. Maybe he had a confession similar to mine. How would I handle it I thought. Then my thoughts were completely interrupted as he got down on one knee.

“I know we have talked about getting married and the perfect time, but I have decided there is no perfect or right time. You are perfect and right for me and I know you feel the same about me. So, what is the delay?” He then took my hand in his, “Will you take my hand today, tomorrow, and forever? Will you marry me?” he asked.

Whoa, where the hell did this come from. He knew I spent an extended weekend with an ex, and was alright with it, and then asks me to marry him. What was the right answer? I said if he accepted my confession I would work on things with him. I vowed to let go of “him.” Maybe now it was time to take the next step. Finally a let out a, “yes.” I didn’t cry or do anything else I assumed a girl being asked to  marry would do.

He slid the ring on my finger and stood to hug and kiss me and that was about it. He had plans with his friends that night and went out and I dug into work.