Concern

I vowed that I would not contact him any longer. When his emails came, I did give in and read them, but I deleted them immediately after. The first few emails I received where asking if I made it home alright. Some of them even touched on what a great time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. Those stirred a lot of emotions in me. I desperately wanted to respond, but knew I couldn’t. I made a promise to myself that after my confession I would work things out with my boyfriend, and I was doing so. Not to mention we were now getting married.

As the days passed with no response, his emails grew more concerned. He wanted to know if my boyfriend found out that I had been with him. He asked if I was alright, if he had hurt me in any way. He begged me just to tell him I was alright. Told me if I needed him to come get me to find a way to tell him and he would drop everything and do so. Finally out of desperation he told me that he just needed me to tell him I was okay. I didn’t have to say anything else, but he needed to know.

Believe me, I wanted to respond. I wanted him to know I was alright, I didn’t want him to worry. Most of all I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to take me away. I didn’t want this, yes, maybe this life was the “almost” perfect life that I expected, but it wasn’t me. It was not what I wanted. I wanted a fairy tale with a bumpy road. I didn’t want a life that was expected, the life other thought I should have.

I gave in and clicked the reply button on that email. I couldn’t do this any longer, I need to speak to him. I needed him in my life. I had waited thirteen years for him to walk back in my life, and I wasn’t going to allow him to leave again, at least not without a fight. I hit the first few keys on the board to respond, and then I heard my boyfriends car pulling down the drive. Panic sank in and it took me a few moments to decide just what to do. Then, I did what I had with all his other emails, and deleted it. It took me a few moments to pull myself together, but I managed and then made my way to the front door and greeted my boyfriend. As he kissed me with almost no emotion  I wanted to cry, but then I reminded myself, I hadn’t always been the best women to him. I promised to work on me and become a between girlfriend, and now a soon to be wife, and that was what I was going to do.