Over

He emailed my faithfully every morning and every night, but I held my ground and continued to delete them. At some point I just stopped reading them. It was too painful and made my long to feel his touch again. However, no matter how badly I wanted to go to him I wouldn’t allow it, I made my decision and I was sticking firm to it. The goal of me seeing him was to get rid of the “what ifs,” but I began to wonder if seeing him made it worse. Often at night I would lay awake for hours just wondering. Sometimes I would think about what he was doing, others nights my mind took me to what we would be doing if I was there.

Thing with my boyfriend after I got back didn’t change. I did my best to be a better woman to him, but it seemed unnoticed. Often he would go out with his friends when he had a free moment from work. He would assume I didn’t care and often leave me a last-minute note letting me know. Our time spent together continued to decrease and often I felt like more of a roommate than a love interest and I defiantly did not feel like a fiance.

With the situation at home I began to work more and more. I turned my focus to my career and began going in early and leaving late.  I knew that regardless of my home life and who I was or was not with my career would always be stable. It was important to me, and I was going to take myself to the top of the company.

Every morning when I arrived at work I would faithfully check my email before I began the day. I did this knowing I would have one from him. Most days I deleted them without evening opening them, but sometimes my weakness got the best of me and I would read them first. I would then repeat this routine in the evening before going home. I knew I could count on at least one more email from him. Even though I cut off contact with him these email still provided me comfort. I truly loved him and at one point in my life I would have dropped everything for him. However, I decided not to be that girl. I would rather figure out the relationship I am in now, than running to him even if I wasn’t certain if this was the right choice.

The weeks drifted by and turned to months and then one day the emails stopped. I assumed he was busy that morning, and when the email wasn’t there that night I brushed it off. I won’t lie I was disappointed, but what did I expect? The next day there was still no email, but I let it go. It may have been a busy time at work for him, I wasn’t sure. However, after an entire week passed with no emails, I knew that it was over. I wasn’t sure what “it” was, but it was over. It saddened me when they stopped, but what did I expect. I cut him off, without giving him any type of explanation. Through his emails he tried to understand, but he just wanted to know that I was alright, but I refused to let him know.  I treated him terrible. And what did I expect? That even though I ignored him he would continue to send me emails every day with no word, no response? But even with that being said, it hurt me, it hurt me to my core. I felt myself shut down, he after all was the only person that I felt like truly loved and cared about me, and now, now he was gone.

Concern

I vowed that I would not contact him any longer. When his emails came, I did give in and read them, but I deleted them immediately after. The first few emails I received where asking if I made it home alright. Some of them even touched on what a great time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. Those stirred a lot of emotions in me. I desperately wanted to respond, but knew I couldn’t. I made a promise to myself that after my confession I would work things out with my boyfriend, and I was doing so. Not to mention we were now getting married.

As the days passed with no response, his emails grew more concerned. He wanted to know if my boyfriend found out that I had been with him. He asked if I was alright, if he had hurt me in any way. He begged me just to tell him I was alright. Told me if I needed him to come get me to find a way to tell him and he would drop everything and do so. Finally out of desperation he told me that he just needed me to tell him I was okay. I didn’t have to say anything else, but he needed to know.

Believe me, I wanted to respond. I wanted him to know I was alright, I didn’t want him to worry. Most of all I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to take me away. I didn’t want this, yes, maybe this life was the “almost” perfect life that I expected, but it wasn’t me. It was not what I wanted. I wanted a fairy tale with a bumpy road. I didn’t want a life that was expected, the life other thought I should have.

I gave in and clicked the reply button on that email. I couldn’t do this any longer, I need to speak to him. I needed him in my life. I had waited thirteen years for him to walk back in my life, and I wasn’t going to allow him to leave again, at least not without a fight. I hit the first few keys on the board to respond, and then I heard my boyfriends car pulling down the drive. Panic sank in and it took me a few moments to decide just what to do. Then, I did what I had with all his other emails, and deleted it. It took me a few moments to pull myself together, but I managed and then made my way to the front door and greeted my boyfriend. As he kissed me with almost no emotion  I wanted to cry, but then I reminded myself, I hadn’t always been the best women to him. I promised to work on me and become a between girlfriend, and now a soon to be wife, and that was what I was going to do.

Confession

When I arrived home my boyfriend wasn’t there even though he said he would be. I didn’t feel disappointed however, I felt relief. This gave me more time to reflect on the decision I had made during the drive home. I let the hot shower run over my body and as I soaked it in I also soaked in my decision. Yes, this was the right one, confess and be done with him regardless of my confession outcome.

Once out of the shower I shut my brain down, no more thinking. The decision was made and I must follow through. After slipping on some clothes I made my way down the hall and was a little startled to see my boyfriend in our livingroom. When he seen me he jumped up and greeted me with a hug and kiss.

“There you are,” he said. “I missed you.”

Doubt crossed my mind, if he missed me. Why didn’t he call while I was away. But I pushed that away, this was the life I was supposed to have. “I missed you too,” I said faking a smile.

“Something I want to talk to you about,” he said quickly.

I knew now was my chance and I couldn’t let it pass me by, if I waited, it would never come. “Me too.”

“You have something you want to talk to me about?” he said with a hint of concern in his eyes.

“Yes.”

He looked at me heavy, waiting for me to continue. When I didn’t he said, “you can go first.”

I felt my breath quicken and a sinking feeling in my stomach. This wasn’t going to be good, but I made my bed, it was time to lay in it. “The friend I met and stayed with,” I started, but he cut me off.

“I know, it was him.”

I was stunned and gapped at him. How did he know?

“Are you over that now?” He asked, but before I could respond he continued, “or do you need more time to figure it out.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, I was shocked. Did he think I faked my ankle injury. “I don’t need any more time,” I said and sat down on the couch. I then held out my foot to him, “I wasn’t joking about my ankle.” I said showing him the blue and purple ankle.

He sat down beside me and looked at it. “I’m sorry,” he began, “I didn’t think you lied about it, but I didn’t think it was this bad. How does it feel now?” he asked.

“I can walk on it with little pain.”

“That’s good, it still looks terrible.”

“Thanks,” I said letting out a little laugh.

“I need to ask you one thing, and I want an honest answer.”

“Alright, anything,” I told him.

“Did you have sex with him?”

I was a bit taken aback, no I didn’t have sex with him, but why the question. Why was he so calm? What had he been up to. No, this was just my guilt kicking in. “No, I did not have sex with him. I’ve not had sex with anyone other than you during our entire relationship.”

He smiled, “that’s all I needed to know.” He then took my hands and pulled me up to my feet. “Now. it’s my turn,” he stated.

I looked at him wondering where this was going. Maybe he had a confession similar to mine. How would I handle it I thought. Then my thoughts were completely interrupted as he got down on one knee.

“I know we have talked about getting married and the perfect time, but I have decided there is no perfect or right time. You are perfect and right for me and I know you feel the same about me. So, what is the delay?” He then took my hand in his, “Will you take my hand today, tomorrow, and forever? Will you marry me?” he asked.

Whoa, where the hell did this come from. He knew I spent an extended weekend with an ex, and was alright with it, and then asks me to marry him. What was the right answer? I said if he accepted my confession I would work on things with him. I vowed to let go of “him.” Maybe now it was time to take the next step. Finally a let out a, “yes.” I didn’t cry or do anything else I assumed a girl being asked to  marry would do.

He slid the ring on my finger and stood to hug and kiss me and that was about it. He had plans with his friends that night and went out and I dug into work.

What Now

Time has passed since I was 14, a great deal of time. I have become a woman and in my eyes I have accomplished a great deal of achievements. I finished college at the top of my class and was offered a position straight out of my internship. In the last five years I have gained three promotions at my company and I am working on the fourth. Maybe it is a little cynical for me to say this, but I know I am a smart and successful woman and I am proud of that.

I realize I have always been smart when it comes to my books and my career. It has always came easy to me. My idea of work has always been to work hard now and rest later. After all I do not want to work my entire life away. I would rather bust my butt now and sit back in the future.

However, though I consider myself smart, there is one area I have never been smart about. If it hasn’t been made clear to you yet, I will make it so now, love. Yes, I learned a hard lesson early on and to some degree it hardened me … but only to some degree. What can I say I have the weakest heart ever made. You say the right words with a nice smile and handsome eyes and I melt right then and there.

Currently I live with a man. Honestly, he is great to me. This is the best relationship I have been in since … him, if that counts. He is sweet, smart, funny, and handsome. All the things that matter. We have even discussed marriage, but with my career he has held off on asking. So, what is the problem then?

Well … he has popped up in my life again. First with an email and then phone calls began. I know what I should do, I know telling him to go to hell would be the smart move, but, I cannot find it within me to do so.