When

Him,

I know you just left me not so long ago, but I regret having you take me here. I wish I would have stayed with you today.

I want you to know how sorry I am for cutting you off. I thought I could fix things at home. I blamed myself for the trouble in my relationship and that I wasn’t the women I needed to be for him. However, I did not want you to cloud my judgment in my decision, so I decided having no contact with you would be the best route to go.

Now, it appears I have not fixed anything. It does not matter who I am he isn’t the man I need him to be. He takes me for granted and can easily just walk all over me. Why? Because I fucking let him! Of course he is going to do this to me, I let him.

He didn’t even know I was gone last night. Just rolled in climbed into our bed and went to sleep. He doesn’t care about others, just himself. I feel so broken down and so used. I want to escape, I really do. I am screaming on the inside for help, but no one hears me, not even myself. I don’t know how to get out of this mess I created.

I feel so alone …

Without finishing my thoughts and even thinking I hit send. This was the first time I had voiced my feelings to anyone else. Though it felt good, I felt a twinge of guilt within me. I created this mess I am in and this is the pain I deserved, was it not?

The hot tears burned my eyes and I let go. I sobbed and sobbed until I had no more tears in me. It felt good to really let go. I never learned how to deal with my emotions. I was stubborn and never wanted to admit defeat or failure. Maybe that is why I could not pull away from this relationship. In the past I was always the one dumped, to me that was better than admitting I failed.

After calming myself down I dove into work. Work had always been my coping mechanism and it was what I knew. The day slipped away as I got a head start on my work week. I wanted to take some time to myself while he was gone for the week so I inteded to get a good start so I could take a few days off while he was away.

When I saw I had a new email a smile brushed a crossed my face and I quickly opened it.

My Dearest Friend,

Are you alright? Do you need me to come get you?

Me

I frowned at myself, it was not my goal to worry him, I just needed to get a few things off my chest.

Him,

I am fine, I just needed to get thoughts and feelings out. I have not done so in a long time. I am sorry you were my sounding board, but I really needed it.

Your Dearest Friend

 I waited anxiously for his reply, would he be upset?

My Dearest Friend,

Please do not apologize for letting your feelings out. I am always here for you. You should know that by now. I’m sorry if I have let you down in any way. The time I spend with you is dear to my heart, and I do not know what I would do if I had not found you.

I am here to support you in any way you need. I will listen to you, comfort you, or anything else you need. Even if you just need a shoulder to cry on about him, I will still be here for you.

Love always,
Me

It was emotional day and as I read his e-mails tears filled my eyes again. I was so torn on what to do. I knew what the right decision was in my heart, but my head told me something different. Why is it always hard to do what you know is right in your heart. Is it because I know I’ll break somebody’s heart  or is it because I’m not brave enough to do it?

Him,

I hope you realize that I am here for you as well. It breaks my heart that for so many years we were part. You always were my best friend regardless of the past. We cannot change the path we chose to take, but I do hope that nothing separates us again in the future.

I know what I need to do in my heart, but there is a battle between my heart and my head. I don’t know why it’s always so hard to follow through. I guess maybe because I’m not good at this. It is hard to hurt someone who loves you. And as you know I’ve been hurt a lot my past, which makes it harder to hurt someone else, regardless of their actions.

When I’m near you I feel the love you have for radiating off your body. It fills me with comfort and warmth, something I’ve not felt since all those years ago. It amazes me that after all these years I still get that from you.

Love always,
Your Dearest Friend

Anxiety pulsed through me after I sent that. I felt like my confusion may bring rejection, something I was not good at dealing with. But I must tell him how I feel, or I may live in regret. I waited for his response and grew sick with worry when I did not get one back. Maybe I scared him off and he was done with me. That could not be though, he insisted he would not lose me again without a fight.

My Dearest Friend,

Where is he?

Me

I wondered why he asked, this seemed like such an odd question to me.

Him,

He is out with friends, golfing I believe. He left shortly after I got home this morning. Why do you ask?

Your Dearest Friend

My mind continued to wonder even after my response, where was he going with this?

My Dearest Friend,

I was just curious. It seems he is never there for you. I just do not understand …

When can I see you again?

Me

My heart was racing. I knew I wanted to see him again, but when? Then a smile slipped a crossed my face and I knew the answer.

Him,

He leaves for a trip Weds morning and will be gone for more than a week. I can do most of my work from home, so how about Weds?

Your Dearest Friend

My head was spinning after I hit send. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I didn’t care. If my fiance was going to be reckless then so was I. Right or wrong, I just did not care any more.

My Dearest Friend,

See you then! The wait will be endless, but well worth it.

Love Always,

Him

Don’t Do It

Anxiety over took me knowing he had a gun. I wanted to scream and cry “Don’t Do It!” but I knew enough to know that was not going to solve anything. I needed a moment to regain myself, if I was not calm I could not help him. Hanging up with him so I compose myself was not a good option so I put a new song on and asked him to listen. Sitting the phone down next to the speaker I ran my hands through my hair. Feeling myself tremble I leaned over and looked into my mirror. “You can do this,” I told myself.

As the song ended I picked the phone back up and asked for his take of the song. Usually we would talk about it for a while, but not tonight.

I could hear the pain in his voice as he spoke and I was certain he was fighting back tears speaking of what a failure he was. I listened to him in silence, doing my best to understand his pain. Though I wanted to be near him, to touch him and tell him it was going to be alright that was not possible now. Regardless of how I felt I had to put that aside and find a way around this, a way to comfort him. But how does a child comfort a man?

When silence fell I did what I did best, talked. I talked about anything and everything that came to my mind. Childhood memories, things I wanted to do, and my thoughts and feelings about life. As the conversation continued he became more and more engaged also telling me about his childhood memories and the things he wanted to accomplish. At one point during the conversation I heard an unfamiliar noise which later I discovered was him disarming the gun.

As the night grew to an end I found myself drifting off to sleep and I found great comfort in the sound of his heavy breathing, because I knew he had fallen asleep as well.

Phone Calls

We spent countless hours of the phone nearly every day. I started to shut down from my friends. If I was invited to do something and he might be calling me I would not go. The problem was he did not live in town. Actually he lived states away. He was just visiting some friends and I met him by chance. So I knew it was fate and I needed to make sure to always be there for him when he needed me.

Hiding these calls from my parents proved more difficult than I expected, but I managed as it was necessary. They certainly would not understand and if my dad knew … well, lets just leave it at that. In the end I confided in my best girl friend who did not give me any grief over the situation. If anything she encouraged me, wanting to know all the details of our phone conversations.

As the weeks turned into months my feels grew and I could not control them. Silly, here is a man who I had met only twice months ago, but I had these crazy feelings for him. I begged him to come visit, but he had to work. Though I grew frustrated I did my best to understand. Not to mention if I was too pushy he just may discover I was younger than I claimed.

One night while talking to him I heard something strange in his voice, something new, something different, and something I did not like. I discovered he was depressed and he revealed to me he had  a gun in his hand. I was frightened, I was far to young to be in this situation. What could I do? My age did not matter at this point, I had to do something, had to help him, had to save him. At my age I was use to turning to someone for help in times of need, but this time it was up to me, I had no one to help. I built stone walls of lies and deceit and now his life lay in my hands.