Confession

When I arrived home my boyfriend wasn’t there even though he said he would be. I didn’t feel disappointed however, I felt relief. This gave me more time to reflect on the decision I had made during the drive home. I let the hot shower run over my body and as I soaked it in I also soaked in my decision. Yes, this was the right one, confess and be done with him regardless of my confession outcome.

Once out of the shower I shut my brain down, no more thinking. The decision was made and I must follow through. After slipping on some clothes I made my way down the hall and was a little startled to see my boyfriend in our livingroom. When he seen me he jumped up and greeted me with a hug and kiss.

“There you are,” he said. “I missed you.”

Doubt crossed my mind, if he missed me. Why didn’t he call while I was away. But I pushed that away, this was the life I was supposed to have. “I missed you too,” I said faking a smile.

“Something I want to talk to you about,” he said quickly.

I knew now was my chance and I couldn’t let it pass me by, if I waited, it would never come. “Me too.”

“You have something you want to talk to me about?” he said with a hint of concern in his eyes.

“Yes.”

He looked at me heavy, waiting for me to continue. When I didn’t he said, “you can go first.”

I felt my breath quicken and a sinking feeling in my stomach. This wasn’t going to be good, but I made my bed, it was time to lay in it. “The friend I met and stayed with,” I started, but he cut me off.

“I know, it was him.”

I was stunned and gapped at him. How did he know?

“Are you over that now?” He asked, but before I could respond he continued, “or do you need more time to figure it out.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, I was shocked. Did he think I faked my ankle injury. “I don’t need any more time,” I said and sat down on the couch. I then held out my foot to him, “I wasn’t joking about my ankle.” I said showing him the blue and purple ankle.

He sat down beside me and looked at it. “I’m sorry,” he began, “I didn’t think you lied about it, but I didn’t think it was this bad. How does it feel now?” he asked.

“I can walk on it with little pain.”

“That’s good, it still looks terrible.”

“Thanks,” I said letting out a little laugh.

“I need to ask you one thing, and I want an honest answer.”

“Alright, anything,” I told him.

“Did you have sex with him?”

I was a bit taken aback, no I didn’t have sex with him, but why the question. Why was he so calm? What had he been up to. No, this was just my guilt kicking in. “No, I did not have sex with him. I’ve not had sex with anyone other than you during our entire relationship.”

He smiled, “that’s all I needed to know.” He then took my hands and pulled me up to my feet. “Now. it’s my turn,” he stated.

I looked at him wondering where this was going. Maybe he had a confession similar to mine. How would I handle it I thought. Then my thoughts were completely interrupted as he got down on one knee.

“I know we have talked about getting married and the perfect time, but I have decided there is no perfect or right time. You are perfect and right for me and I know you feel the same about me. So, what is the delay?” He then took my hand in his, “Will you take my hand today, tomorrow, and forever? Will you marry me?” he asked.

Whoa, where the hell did this come from. He knew I spent an extended weekend with an ex, and was alright with it, and then asks me to marry him. What was the right answer? I said if he accepted my confession I would work on things with him. I vowed to let go of “him.” Maybe now it was time to take the next step. Finally a let out a, “yes.” I didn’t cry or do anything else I assumed a girl being asked to  marry would do.

He slid the ring on my finger and stood to hug and kiss me and that was about it. He had plans with his friends that night and went out and I dug into work.

Expressing My True Feelings

We spent most of the day talking, joking, and laughing. Nothing significant happen other than the fact that I thought, no I knew, I could spend my life with days like these. However, I am a smart women and also knew life wouldn’t just be like this. He has his flaws and things that would piss me off and vice versa. But for now I allowed myself to live in the fantasy. Why not? It felt so good.

I stayed medicated for my ankle and we iced it on and off through out the day. By early evening it was feeling better and I was able to walk on it with little pain. We decided we were going to barbeque for dinner. He was going to do the grilling and I was to put together a salad and potatoes. My boyfriend and I never had nights like these. We were both too busy to make a meal together. The few nights we had dinner together we either went out or had take out. We never shared in these precious moments, even early on in our relationship.

While I was inside preparing the salad I began to wonder why we never had these types of nights together. Why was our lives were so busy we couldn’t even spend an hour cooking and enjoying a nice meal together. This was something I had always wanted, was it something he wanted? It seemed lately his and my views didn’t stack up together like I thought they ought to. But then, what did I know? No relationship is perfect and views don’t always match up. That’s why you gave in and/or compermise after all.

He snuck in while I was lost in thought and when he placed his hand on my back it startled me. I jumped and let out a small yelp. We both errupted into laughter when I realized it was him. “What were you thinking about? Must have been pretty serious if you didn’t hear me come in,” he said.

“I don’t know how serious it is,” I replied.

He pulled plates out of his cupboard and took a few other items to the door with him. “We can talk about it while we eat. The meat is almost done. Knock when your salad and potatoes are done and I will bring them out,” he said with a wink and then disappeared out the door.

I finished the salad contiplating what I would tell him. I really didn’t want to talk to him about my boyfriend and my current situation. However, I knew I could. I felt close to him, close enough that I could tell him anything and be alright with it. I just didn’t want to make this situation awkward or uncomfortable for either of us. Though, he knew I had a boyfriend, so he had to expect me to talk about him, didn’t he?

Dinner was peaceful, though we had spend a great deal of time together over the last two days we had no problem finding new things to talk about. As we were just finishing dinner he finally asked me, “so, what had you so distracted inside earlier?” I looked at my plate as I contiplated telling him. “I know it has to do with your boyfriend,” he said breaking the silence. “If you want to tell me, I’m all ears, if not I understand.”

It was hard for me not to open up to him, he made is so easy. “I was just,” then I paused. It was so hard for me to express these feelings, to tell him all the negatives about my boyfriend. I never shared them before, not with anyone. Sure I share all the good and great things, but never the ok and bad. I sighed, “this is hard for me,” I said.

“You don’t have…”

I cut him off putting my hand up. “It is hard for me because these are things I don’t share with anyone. For the first time I feel like I just may be able to share, so don’t stop me. While I was in there I was thinking about how him and I never have shared the simple things in life, making dinner, going for a walk, sitting in the park. We have never done anything of the sort and I was wondering why. I know those are things I enjoy, the ‘finer’ things in life. Then I started wondering why, are those things he doesn’t enjoy? There have been talks about us getting married, but I don’t know anything about him. Well, I mean, really about him.”

He looked at me with his eyes full of questions, “then why?”

The tears welled in my eyes and I tried to fight them back, but gave up. It didn’t matter, I was pouring my heart out to him, what where a few tears. “I don’t know. Until now, until this, I never thought about it. We were both so busy with work, well me with work, him with work and his friends. We mesh well, and can have a good time. We go out at least once a week and order take out once or twice a week depending on schedules. We enjoy vacations and those types of things together.”

“I know its been years, but I know you better than that,” he said. Softly he placed his palm on my cheek and used his thumb to brush the tears away. “I know you want more than that out of a relationship, out of a marriage.”

I nodded, it was true. Some where along the way I lost sight of the things I wanted and needed in life. My boyfriend and I practicly lived as roommates. I didn’t want that, I wanted more. I deserved more. Where did I go wrong? How did I get myself in this situation?

“He knows you hurt your ankle yesterday, doesn’t he?”

“Yes, I told you that I told him.”

He nodded, “my point is, how many times has he called today?”

“He hasn’t, I haven’t heard from him since last night.”

“How many times did he call you yesterday?”

Wrinkling my eyebrows I answered, “just the one time when you brought me the phone.”

“Has he texted you?”

“No,” I responded wondering where he was going with this.

His face changed and it almost looked like he was angry. “I don’t understand that,” he said with a hint of anger in his voice. “The woman you are with, the one you are suppose to love, the one you have talked about marrying is meeting a friend she hasn’t seen in years. You don’t check in on her just to make sure she’s okay? Alright, fine, I will let that go, but then, then she tells you she hurt her ankle so bad she didn’t feel like she was able to drive home. You offer to leave, of course she tells you not to. Not only do you stay, you don’t even call and check on her?”

I was slightly taken aback by how upset he was. Shouldn’t I be the one who is upset?

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t get so upset, it is none of my business and I certainly do not want to make you any more upset. It is just hard seeing you … seeing you after all these years, knowing that you are a wonderful person, and knowing that he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve. But I’m sorry for putting my nose in where it doesn’t belong.” With that he took the plates off the patio table and brought them into the house.

What Now

Time has passed since I was 14, a great deal of time. I have become a woman and in my eyes I have accomplished a great deal of achievements. I finished college at the top of my class and was offered a position straight out of my internship. In the last five years I have gained three promotions at my company and I am working on the fourth. Maybe it is a little cynical for me to say this, but I know I am a smart and successful woman and I am proud of that.

I realize I have always been smart when it comes to my books and my career. It has always came easy to me. My idea of work has always been to work hard now and rest later. After all I do not want to work my entire life away. I would rather bust my butt now and sit back in the future.

However, though I consider myself smart, there is one area I have never been smart about. If it hasn’t been made clear to you yet, I will make it so now, love. Yes, I learned a hard lesson early on and to some degree it hardened me … but only to some degree. What can I say I have the weakest heart ever made. You say the right words with a nice smile and handsome eyes and I melt right then and there.

Currently I live with a man. Honestly, he is great to me. This is the best relationship I have been in since … him, if that counts. He is sweet, smart, funny, and handsome. All the things that matter. We have even discussed marriage, but with my career he has held off on asking. So, what is the problem then?

Well … he has popped up in my life again. First with an email and then phone calls began. I know what I should do, I know telling him to go to hell would be the smart move, but, I cannot find it within me to do so.