Not Even Here

The drive home was long and silent much like the drive to his house. My brain was reeling in so many different directions I could not sort my thoughts out. I knew what I needed to do, I just did not know how I was going to do it.

He dropped me off in the drive way and I walked slowly up to the door still wearing the dress from the night before. The door was unlocked when I reached it and I quietly slipped in. I found my fiance still sleeping in our bed so I headed to the bathroom and took a hot shower.

The water burned against my skin, but I needed the relief of my stress and torment. The dull pain against my skin was the only thing reassuring me that I was alive and this was my life.

I heard the squeek of the bathroom door open and held my breath. I was sure there would be  a fight about where I was last night. Maybe that is what I needed to end them, to ensure he was gut wrenching mad at me.

I seen his head peek around the corn of the shower curtain and he smiled. I smiled back with my breath caught in my lungs waiting.

“Some night last night,” he said as he turned on the sink water and began to brush his teeth.

I waited in silence, what was he getting at.

“I’m not even sure what time I got in last night,” he said. “I hope you weren’t worried,” he continued.

My god, he didn’t even know I wasn’t here! What does that say?

“We are going to head out and play some golf here in a few,” he said and paused waiting for me answer.

“When are you guys leaving for you trip?” I asked changing the subject.

“Wednesday morning. We decided to leave a little earlier, most of us can work from the hotel anyways.”

“Alright. Well, have fun.” I say trying to sound as upbeat as I could, but my brain was in over drive.

Once he left the bathroom I finished washing myself and got out. I barely dried off before slipping on my fluffy robe. This was it, the final straw. He left me last night, he did not even know I didn’t come home last night and now he is gone again today.

I checked the garage to make sure his car was gone and then I headed to my office and switched on my computer.

Over

He emailed my faithfully every morning and every night, but I held my ground and continued to delete them. At some point I just stopped reading them. It was too painful and made my long to feel his touch again. However, no matter how badly I wanted to go to him I wouldn’t allow it, I made my decision and I was sticking firm to it. The goal of me seeing him was to get rid of the “what ifs,” but I began to wonder if seeing him made it worse. Often at night I would lay awake for hours just wondering. Sometimes I would think about what he was doing, others nights my mind took me to what we would be doing if I was there.

Thing with my boyfriend after I got back didn’t change. I did my best to be a better woman to him, but it seemed unnoticed. Often he would go out with his friends when he had a free moment from work. He would assume I didn’t care and often leave me a last-minute note letting me know. Our time spent together continued to decrease and often I felt like more of a roommate than a love interest and I defiantly did not feel like a fiance.

With the situation at home I began to work more and more. I turned my focus to my career and began going in early and leaving late.  I knew that regardless of my home life and who I was or was not with my career would always be stable. It was important to me, and I was going to take myself to the top of the company.

Every morning when I arrived at work I would faithfully check my email before I began the day. I did this knowing I would have one from him. Most days I deleted them without evening opening them, but sometimes my weakness got the best of me and I would read them first. I would then repeat this routine in the evening before going home. I knew I could count on at least one more email from him. Even though I cut off contact with him these email still provided me comfort. I truly loved him and at one point in my life I would have dropped everything for him. However, I decided not to be that girl. I would rather figure out the relationship I am in now, than running to him even if I wasn’t certain if this was the right choice.

The weeks drifted by and turned to months and then one day the emails stopped. I assumed he was busy that morning, and when the email wasn’t there that night I brushed it off. I won’t lie I was disappointed, but what did I expect? The next day there was still no email, but I let it go. It may have been a busy time at work for him, I wasn’t sure. However, after an entire week passed with no emails, I knew that it was over. I wasn’t sure what “it” was, but it was over. It saddened me when they stopped, but what did I expect. I cut him off, without giving him any type of explanation. Through his emails he tried to understand, but he just wanted to know that I was alright, but I refused to let him know.  I treated him terrible. And what did I expect? That even though I ignored him he would continue to send me emails every day with no word, no response? But even with that being said, it hurt me, it hurt me to my core. I felt myself shut down, he after all was the only person that I felt like truly loved and cared about me, and now, now he was gone.